HOW TO BE A SUPER-CHRISTIAN IN 8 SIMPLE STEPS:

I have a lot of drive time during my normal day; both to and from, and at work. I listen to talk radio and podcasts approximately 10 hours each day and I can say with assurance that I've heard some funny stuff over the years. Here are some of my conclusions (light-heartedly, of course) on how to be, or appear to be, a super-Christian. They are not intended to be irreverant toward God, but a simple showing of how we tend to put on shows or disguises in public.

1) When you pray, you must pray with a voice that rises and falls in pitch, volume, or tone. An example is difficult in writing, but here's an attempt: "Ooohhhhhh (pitch slowly rises and falls) Lord, we..." "Thaaaaannnk (pitch slowly rises and falls again) you..." You get the idea; think of a wailing siren, but only more serene.

2) When you pray, you must pray in the King James Version. (This is my personal fave!) I listen to a particular preacher on the radio and he does just this. Once he says amen, however, he resumes talking in his normal voice.

3) However, if you REALLY want to come off as a super-de-duper Christian during normal conversation or public speaking, make sure you add a couple simple King James words like "Thee" or "Thine" into your vocabulary.

4) If the roller-coaster-ride pitch prayer, or the King James prayer, is not your forte, then pray in a really "airy" voice. If certain words are inaudible, that's ok. Just blame it on the organ or piano playing softly in the background. You don't have an organ, you say? Make sure you get one. It will help.

5) When you pray, add the word "just" to most of your sentences. "God, we just thank you for this day..."

6) If you want to spice it up a bit, add a sigh, a brief pause, or a tongue-cluck right after your use of the word "just." For example, "God, we just (gentle sigh) thank you..."

7) Finally, if you're looking to knock it out of the park, so to speak, be sure to combine methods 1, 2, AND 3. You're a pro! If you use method 4, you're probably a evangelist to primarily female audiences. Method 5 is for soccer mom praying over lunch. Method 6 is for the small-group leader.

These have just been ruminating in my brain lately. They're meant to be fun. If they're not merely good humor to you, then maybe that should be method 8: "Assume all funny things picking on Christians are blasphemous!"